Familia Por Vida!!!

OK WHAT HAPPENED WAS:
I met my friends boy friend.
He was really nice, very sweet, smart, extremely attentive to detail (I’m starting to think that’s bad- I told him I have a secret blog- OPPSIES!) he even reminds me of me! Too nice! He made me laugh, he was funny, sweet, etc.

My friend means so much to me. Like he says, Family…por vida. But the way we are to each other… it’s just not fun like that. I am nervous around him, I always feel like I might say the wrong thing, and I feel less than. He used to talk about staying “true to yourself” in reference to moving to the big city. But as I am growing, and hear of the changes he talks of, I am listening to him, and I hear less and less of the one I loved (but if you know me, like really know me, you know, you will always be mi familia). But here…I’m starting to feel dumb, like we never knew each other to begin with. We have deep emotional ties, things we can relate too, but he can’t ever seem to let that go in the “every day”. He feels the need to verbalize on a constant and unnecessarily basis how “sensitive” and “emotional” and “negative” I am. Which can feel kind of insulting to hear All The Time when your trying to move forward with your life and have never given any present validity to any of those words.

For example, last night I made soup (from scratch, la broth y todo) and he didn’t eat any (WHICH IS NOT A BIG DEAL), BUT if it had been him that made it, and I didn’t eat any…………well, it would have been RUDE. He brought home food from his work and it was delicious but, again, …. if-it-had-been-me. I think the solution to these kinds of issues is easy communication. It bothered me. I made food, at least dish yourself out. Most guys would love to have dinner ready for them when they get home from work. (I would like a hand raise of men who would like a nice girl who cooks and cleans and loves them when they get home?!) ANYWAYS, there was that. And then here it goes- I tried to make small talk. As always I was shut down. The conversation went as such-

talking about jobs…. where to apply…

HIM: “Apply at Dallskdjl!”
ME: ” omg that would be so awesome… but I don’t think this neighborhood likes me”

I live in a predominately Dominican Republic neighborhood. I went on to tell a what-I-thought-was-funny-story, about how I was confronted in the grocery store in our neighborhood by some guy, saying I looked “so white, you look like, like you gonna throw up o’ somethin'”……… I thought it was funny, but also reflected how I was aware of external perception, being perceived as a commuter to Manhattan and not really a part of this immediate community. It seemed like a normal way to carry a conversation, but he went on to say how “You’re so negative… blah blah blah”…. ew. I thought just sitting through his recycled and energetically condescending rhetoric was enough …. but instead he publicly demands recognition as someone who has helped me to achieve my goal in moving to NYC. He has helped me, but cannot claim humbleness AS WELL AS a title with praise. Which is what brings me to tonight.

We went out for a few drinks. It was me, the unknown “mystery girl, best friend”, two coworkers, and his new boyfriend. At one point he said (not word for word) ” And where would you be right now …..? ” Which meant praise me because I have taken all of your thank you’s for granted and want to be acknowledged as “superior” by these people.

WHAT HAPPENED LATER:
I don’t even remember HOW it happened, but SOMEHOW, we ended up yelling over the table at each other “no YOU’RE negative!” “you THIS!” “you THAT!” whatever…… it was so embarrassing I still don’t even know how to place it in my brain. We glared at each other for a few seconds. Then coworker #1 eagerly tried to make conversation about chicken waffle on a stick or something equally stupid. Everything around me faded…. my ears couldn’t hear, I didn’t know where to look, I was so embarrassed. I’m the new girl, so these were apparently my true colors radiating like a thousand suns. UGH… At that moment, I realized I needed to establish a new independence. MY OWN FRIENDS. The only friends I’m good at making are gay men that I can relate with on a 2 out of 10 and the occasional ridiculously caddy girl who wants me to intern as sidekick.

Familia por vida! has become more like- family till we kill each other. Unless some solid communication is established and an agreement of some sort- this can’t last too much longer. Just like any other friendship/relationship, some things should not be said, some lines should remain uncrossed!

 

“At Least I Had Fun”

On a not so serious note- I’ve been having so much fun. On Tuesday I walked across the Brooklyn bridge for my first time and it was exhilarating. Words cannot describe the dynamite feelings of love that went off in my heart. I met lots of cool people too! Yesterday I went to the beach with my friend and had a blast! And afterwards went by myself to the Macy’s 4th of July fireworks on the Hudson river! It was far from listlessly celebrating for reasons unknown… I am so grateful to have every opportunity that is America. The opportunity to be writing this blog right now! 

When I was at the fireworks show, I met this gentleman from Italy who is a yoga/dance instructor and travels around teaching classes on his time off from the University. (He is actually studying engineering telecommunications). We were talking about being alone in this big city, and things we want to accomplish in life, and overcoming fear. It was great conversation despite the language barrier. And I will admit I was a little nervous when we went for a drink because I have not dated in a few months! So the intimacy was a little intimidating. But he was so sweet and casual. We ended up walking to time square and there he asked me if I would participate in a dance. “WHY NOT?” (my new motto- if I don’t have a good excuse why not to do something- DO IT!) I did the dance with him it was one of those “repeat after me” type of things. By the end of the dance, I was laughing so hard and having so much fun. Then he says “let us make more people, a crowd, that way it will be more fun, no?” ummmmm is he crazy! No one is going to do this with us! Well by the end of the show, we had 20 + people dancing with us, laughing shaking their bodies and forgetting about their facebook, twitter and just dancing with strangers, requesting more dances. I can’t even say how many people recorded this… I know its probably out there on a few youtube accounts.

Today the doors are open for me. And I am so grateful to be the person I am today, with all that I have. If it’s all gone tomorrow- well “at least I had fun”-NYC graffiti

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The Christian Athiest

So today is my ninth day in New York City!!! Yay! Its been fun. Not all fun, a little rough the first few days. Upon arrival I was greeted with lots of booze and excitement- not a good idea when you are trying to mentally situate yourself in a completely new and unfamiliar environment. I made the mistake of drinking a lot the first day I was here, and then the next day… and after that I felt so anxious and so sad I decided no more drinking until I feel I can handle it! And even then moderation is always key. What can I say though, I am human who makes human mistakes and for that I ask forgiveness AMEN. Speaking of amen’s, I decided to start going to church with my friend. I even decided to join the reading group. (WHY NOT?) Now I’ve never really consider myself a religious person. Maybe when I was growing up the family would all go to church on Easter and on the occasional Sunday, you know, when it was convenient… and then I’m baptized and had my first communion, there’s that, so I’m totally Christian right?! Well the reading material is titled “The Christian Atheist” and I found myself identifying more and more with the author (who is a pastor) and his past spiritual journey, finding God. What it is to know God not just… oh yeah I believe in that guy…. on par with the existence of Santa Claus. But this book provided me with a certain perspective that I had never really acknowledged before.

There was a part that says- “When you feel totally alone, perhaps you call him ‘friend'”. I don’t know what more I can say about that. Its a very nice feeling if you let it be. Sometimes I do feel fearful and alone. Sometimes I feel shameful. I feel like I have made so many mistakes in my life and they tend to come as memories, seeping in through the corners of my brain to persecute me… but then I remember that now, I have unconditional love, understanding and forgiveness in my friend, my father, provider, strength, healer- God. I can’t say I know god yet or have formed a full relationship with him, but maybe this is how it starts.

Aside

Okay so recently, online, I stumbled upon a friends friend on facebook who is also from San Antonio and moving to NYC to pursue his modeling career. It kind of showed some different perspective for me about where my mind is at with all of this, and kind of reinforced a few key points for me.

So I tend to be very reserved about what is going on in my life when it comes to facebook, and this gentleman just bares it for all to see! All his emotions- everything. So it was interesting, I went through a small compare and contrasting of viewpoints as I was “peeking” through his latest posts. Personally I think it’s a bad move to put feelings that portray weakness on facebook. The more opportunity you give for people to try and drag you down, the more chances you have of being affected by the negativity. Sure, in an ideal world you just “don’t let it bother you” but we all know that no matter how supernatural and awesome we think we are, sometimes those small negative comments can still get under your skin. Of course if you were to argue that point with me I would admit to its subjectivity but you can understand where I’m coming from. Now obviously someone who doesn’t support you isn’t a real friend  but is everyone on facebook seriously a REAL friend?

Anywho, as I was “peeking”, I realized that he wanted it for a lot of the wrong reasons. A lot of it was things his Ego wanted and not his soul. And while I know that probably sounds so cheesy, but after reading some of the things he said it became so apparent that there is no strength in your ego. Its a faulty foundation to transition dreams to reality. Now I don’t mean there’s no one I’d like to shove it in their face someday “hey! I’m living my dream and you’re still a loser!”… I just mean there is a very clearly defined line between fueling yourself off your Ego and going off Confidence. I want my dreams to come true with all my heart and soul. Not only do I want it, but I want it enough to see it happening. I want it with every ounce of my being. I will take the blows, make the sacrifices and work my butt off all the way to the top without the drama (TAKE THAT AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL!)((lol)) Another contrast I would like to point out is this “boy” clearly has this idea that you move to NYC and within the month you are supposed to have an agent or something… yeah maybe some people…it happens..but geez if you go to NY with a ticking time bomb set to emotionally detonate after one month of little to no work, only having this “I want” notion- you will indeed be sorely disappointed!

Although I will admit for his age, he is very mature. Maybe not mature enough to making a spontaneous move that is clearly not working out for him, but mature enough to know how to stay true to himself. I really see a nice young man in him and I hope the best for him. He has big dreams but he seems a little confused about big dreams/ hard work correlation.

I’m just very thankful that I have my families support and that I am ready for this… dreams are free, but it’s the details in your dreams that may end up costing you. READ THE FINE PRINT.

Fine Print- no one said this would be easy.

Cocoon

So ever since I put my two weeks in at the photo lab and they “let me go”, I’ve just been mulling around the house. It’s been a while since I’ve had the crafty itch or worked on a project, but I do have a few ideas about pieces I’d like to do with larger canvases. As soon as I get to Brooklyn I’m gonna have my eyes peeled for an unloved window screen (you can weave on anything with holes). Grandma keeps asking me “why haven’t you been painting? you should paint”. Painting is not really my forte….especially when she is perched on the chair across from me, hands folded, giving me “artistic direction”. Ech.

And I’ve really taken to this blog. I did get kind of bored with reiterating events since January though. I’m too excited about the move to think about all of that. Seven more days till this caterpillar becomes a butterfly! Image

 

Bag woven with yarn on burlap 

TE AMO

Can I be immature and win all the fights and will you hold me when I cry because no one told me I got “that time of the month” all over my pants and when I tell you about how my professor thinks i’m the smartest person in the world and I’m obviously lying because I had a bad day will you please go with it! And when I’m too jealous! Or overly dramatic and act like Kim Kardashian and, like, make a scene! When I cut my hair way too short can you still think it’s cute and silly…

SEE YA!

What I thought would happen-“I’m going to go to California for two weeks and have lots of fun and totally get over my ex (as it turn out it’s really hard to get over a three year relationship by just up and going to California). I’m going to meet some miracle man who sweeps me off my feet and is everything I ever wanted in a man and it will be *awesome* we will all just party all the time and be best friends and go running and do everything Lauren wants to do because I’m fragile and everyone loves me (yeah, I was pretty out of touch).

And then I’m going to New York! And we’re going to attend Fashion Week! And I will get to see every tourist attraction in NYC in seven days! (ha..ha..)”

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What really happened- My best friend as it turns out is not such a good friend. Her being really my only gal pal, it’s been hard to actually let go (not really, who needs bad friends). I don’t think she could have cared less about me. The whole thing was just so weird. I felt like she couldn’t wait for me to leave and I was completely cramping her beer-bong-every-night-until-no-one-comes-any-more-because-they’ve-all-died-of-alcohol-poisoning style. She also had this crazy cousin/roommate who didn’t shower and had tons of issues. That chick was no spring chicken. And then they smoke in the apartment and I mean SMOKED. Half the time I couldn’t see across the room. This is coming from a pretty chill and tolerant person but this was gross… and I did ‘meet’ a guy, but he had aspergers so he was always being incredibly inappropriate and nothing went past “hi”. Not my prince charming although I will definitely  admit to jumping on the bandwagon of wanting to find that “cool, spontaneous, California romance”.

I loved California and I loved Brooklyn- but the east coast totally stole my heart. Sometime during the trip I had my mind made up. I don’t know if it was the good company, the dreams resonating in the air or both- but it became my goal to move there and create my new home there. Now don’t misunderstand- it’s not the first time I’ve wanted that. I’ve held NYC in my head and in my heart  for a while now but with my priorities all over and my fears on my sleeve, everything just became wrapped in one big katamari ball of wishes- “Man, someday it would be cool if this happened and then that could happen etcetera.” I just wanted things to happen and to work, but working for them just seemed overwhelming.  And I never really thought any of it would materialize the way I wanted it to. And guess what. It didn’t! There were so many bad surprises and so many good surprises! and I welcomed all of it.

Around Robins Red Barn

After the funeral, everything changed. Everything was different. Waking up was a drag… life was like walking through mud. Going to sleep was totally unrealistic- talk about insomnia. I switched out a pack of cigarettes a day and started running at least five miles everyday- and I’ve never been a runner! Things started changing, moving fast, all I did was hold on tight.

The GUILT. It was just this unmerciful shame. I felt like… well here I am… still in San Antonio, not doing anything to forward my life or any goals. I’m not in school, I’m unemployed, and I’m still playing house in this melodramatic relationship that everyone watches like a novella!

That first week being back home from the funeral I did a lot of hard thinking. I made a lot of hard decisions. I bought three plane tickets- San Francisco, New York, and back again to Kansas City. I made monumental decisions that required a lot of  strength a lot of work and most of all believing in myself. It was like my own Heidi Montag of life transformations! I could visualize it happening- it was like the light at the end of the tunnel was closer than I’d ever seen it… all I had to do was follow through.

 

Backwards

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about things in the past, going backwards a little and getting fuzzy.

I’ve been going over and over in my head back to January of this year. Back to Erick’s bedroom, back to the night the phone rang and Dad told me the news. I cried and cried. It felt so much like my fault. Like, “If i had been there.” Scenarios play out in my head still of what could have been since that time. I guess it hasn’t hit me that all of that, just like all the other ugly things far away,  are in the PAST. The past. Dark, cheap, and inconsiderate. But of course there are the good days, when I’m able to smile in the mirror and say- “that’s in the past now” and seem to fall into a warm blanket of renewed comfort and self esteem. But not every day. I’m balancing not only this phase of a surrealistic mentality and semi-dysfunctional grasp on the past, but moving FORWARD as well.