OK WHAT HAPPENED WAS:
I met my friends boy friend.
He was really nice, very sweet, smart, extremely attentive to detail (I’m starting to think that’s bad- I told him I have a secret blog- OPPSIES!) he even reminds me of me! Too nice! He made me laugh, he was funny, sweet, etc.
My friend means so much to me. Like he says, Family…por vida. But the way we are to each other… it’s just not fun like that. I am nervous around him, I always feel like I might say the wrong thing, and I feel less than. He used to talk about staying “true to yourself” in reference to moving to the big city. But as I am growing, and hear of the changes he talks of, I am listening to him, and I hear less and less of the one I loved (but if you know me, like really know me, you know, you will always be mi familia). But here…I’m starting to feel dumb, like we never knew each other to begin with. We have deep emotional ties, things we can relate too, but he can’t ever seem to let that go in the “every day”. He feels the need to verbalize on a constant and unnecessarily basis how “sensitive” and “emotional” and “negative” I am. Which can feel kind of insulting to hear All The Time when your trying to move forward with your life and have never given any present validity to any of those words.
For example, last night I made soup (from scratch, la broth y todo) and he didn’t eat any (WHICH IS NOT A BIG DEAL), BUT if it had been him that made it, and I didn’t eat any…………well, it would have been RUDE. He brought home food from his work and it was delicious but, again, …. if-it-had-been-me. I think the solution to these kinds of issues is easy communication. It bothered me. I made food, at least dish yourself out. Most guys would love to have dinner ready for them when they get home from work. (I would like a hand raise of men who would like a nice girl who cooks and cleans and loves them when they get home?!) ANYWAYS, there was that. And then here it goes- I tried to make small talk. As always I was shut down. The conversation went as such-
talking about jobs…. where to apply…
HIM: “Apply at Dallskdjl!”
ME: ” omg that would be so awesome… but I don’t think this neighborhood likes me”
I live in a predominately Dominican Republic neighborhood. I went on to tell a what-I-thought-was-funny-story, about how I was confronted in the grocery store in our neighborhood by some guy, saying I looked “so white, you look like, like you gonna throw up o’ somethin'”……… I thought it was funny, but also reflected how I was aware of external perception, being perceived as a commuter to Manhattan and not really a part of this immediate community. It seemed like a normal way to carry a conversation, but he went on to say how “You’re so negative… blah blah blah”…. ew. I thought just sitting through his recycled and energetically condescending rhetoric was enough …. but instead he publicly demands recognition as someone who has helped me to achieve my goal in moving to NYC. He has helped me, but cannot claim humbleness AS WELL AS a title with praise. Which is what brings me to tonight.
We went out for a few drinks. It was me, the unknown “mystery girl, best friend”, two coworkers, and his new boyfriend. At one point he said (not word for word) ” And where would you be right now …..? ” Which meant praise me because I have taken all of your thank you’s for granted and want to be acknowledged as “superior” by these people.
WHAT HAPPENED LATER:
I don’t even remember HOW it happened, but SOMEHOW, we ended up yelling over the table at each other “no YOU’RE negative!” “you THIS!” “you THAT!” whatever…… it was so embarrassing I still don’t even know how to place it in my brain. We glared at each other for a few seconds. Then coworker #1 eagerly tried to make conversation about chicken waffle on a stick or something equally stupid. Everything around me faded…. my ears couldn’t hear, I didn’t know where to look, I was so embarrassed. I’m the new girl, so these were apparently my true colors radiating like a thousand suns. UGH… At that moment, I realized I needed to establish a new independence. MY OWN FRIENDS. The only friends I’m good at making are gay men that I can relate with on a 2 out of 10 and the occasional ridiculously caddy girl who wants me to intern as sidekick.
Familia por vida! has become more like- family till we kill each other. Unless some solid communication is established and an agreement of some sort- this can’t last too much longer. Just like any other friendship/relationship, some things should not be said, some lines should remain uncrossed!